Harper's Story

This is the story of our daughter, Harper Lynn.


Carly Marie Project Heal
I remember wanting to start our family right away after getting married. It took Corey a little talking into but a few months after we married we began trying. I had told Corey that it could take a long time to conceive, I had been on birth control for a long time and wasn't sure how my body would react. That was part of my selling point to him so that we could start trying. I'm sure if it was up to him we would have waited longer to start. But in November of 2011, two months after we started trying, we were expecting. 

The morning I took the pregnancy test and it came out positive, I was so happy but I remember being a little nervous to tell Corey that it didn't take us long as I thought to become pregnant. I woke him up and tearfully (tears of joy) shared our news and he took it very well. He was excited!


As the pregnancy progressed, everything was going fine. All of my doctors appointments went well and there was no reason to think that after the 12 week mark we had anything to worry about. On my birthday that year, March 7th, we learned that we were going to be having a girl. We had three names on our list: Evelynn, Ruby and Harper.


The next few months flew by. We painted the nursery lime green, one of my favorite colors. We would accent in pink.

Friends and family threw baby showers and I reveled in the attention of being pregnant for the first time. Although I won't lie, I didn't find pregnancy to be comfortable or enjoyable. I remember at times wanting the baby to stop moving so much because it was painful. Something I will regret thinking for the rest of my life.

On July 8th 2012 Corey's family had a baby shower for me. His aunt Jody was the host and we played games and had a carefree time, I was two weeks away from my due date. After the shower I went shopping with my mom to get the rest of the things that I needed before the baby's arrival. When I got home that night I was sitting on the floor in the nursery putting things away and I noticed that baby girl wasn't moving like she normally would be at that time of evening. I poked and prodded at my belly trying to wake her up but I still wasn't getting a response. I was concerned but figured that she was tired from the excitement of the day. When I went to bed I still hadn't felt anything. Corey said goodnight to both of us and told her he loved her. And as I was laying there I finally felt a little bump.

Looking back, I will never forgive myself for not making a bigger deal out of not feeling her move. I will always wonder if we could have saved her if I had done something. Was that final bump her last cry for help and I just ignored it? But I really thought that after making the 12 week mark you are guaranteed a baby. Unfortunately now I know the reality of that thinking is naïve. Lots of babies die before they are born.

When I woke the next day, she still wasn't moving. I finally called the doctors office and moved my 38 week appointment from 3:20pm to 11am. My mom was coming up that day to help me finish the nursery. I had bought flower stencils that would line the room. We were just going to be doing the final finishing touches before baby.

But still no movement...

My mom drove me to my appointment and Corey met us there from work. My doctor I'd seen the entire pregnancy pulled the Doppler out and listened for a heartbeat... there was none. She did an ultrasound and all we could see was a still baby, no movement, no heartbeat.

Our little girl had died.

We cried and cried. I have never felt so much pain and heartache. Then came the realization that I would still have to give birth to our daughter. The clinic called the hospital and they asked that we come in at 7 that night to begin the induction process. We drove home in silence, packed our bags and waited. We lay in bed, broken hearted and empty with our daughters lifeless body still inside my womb. I remember telling Corey over and over how sorry I was that I couldn't give him his daughter. How I had failed. I failed to do the one thing a woman is supposed to be able to do.

When we checked into the hospital they gave us a room far down the hall, alone. So we wouldn't have to hear the joyfulness of other families there to give birth to living babies. There was a flower attached to the door, their symbol to staff entering the room that this was not a normal delivery that we were different.




On July 10th 2012, after laboring through the night and morning. I gave birth to our daughter at 2:17pm. After cleaning her off we held her and loved her and named her Harper Lynn. She was beautiful.


Our parents came and so did our priest.




The nurses did foot prints and took molds of her tiny hands and feet. A volunteer photographer came from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep and took pictures of us as a family and then of Harper alone. At first we weren't sure about pictures but I'm so glad we did them. It is the only thing we have. We will never have a chance to see our daughter again, until we met in heaven.


We got to spend the next almost 2 days with our daughter. But eventually we had to say goodbye, it was the hardest thing we ever had to do. Harper's soul had already left her body but the only part of her we got to meet was her body and it was starting to fade. When you go to the hospital to deliver a baby you are supposed to go home with one. We left with empty arms. Leaving the hospital meant joining reality. The reality that our daughter was dead. We had to leave her behind to be picked up by the funeral home. I so desperately wanted to stay in that hospital forever. To disappear. Instead we left, only to come home to an empty house, with a nursery and crib waiting for a baby we didn't have.  


It took a long time before I could open the door to the nursery. But eventually I did. Her clothes were still hanging in the closest or folded in the dresser waiting to be worn. I hope she doesn't mind if I let her sister wear some. And it turns out we never will use her nursery. Part of me is glad, that room was carefully decorated and full of dreams just for her. It felt unfair to use it for the new baby. But the other part of me is sad to be leaving the nursery behind. I sat in that room many times, pregnant with Harper, dreaming of her future. A future she will never have. I feel like when we move we are going to be leaving some memories of her behind.


Harper will always be a part of our family. She will always be our first child. She will always be missed and especially loved.


"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be."


-Sara

1 comment:

  1. I just read this and realized that our babies were born still- 3 days apart. My Cassidy was born July 13, 2012. So sorry for your loss, and the long two years you've had to be without your little girl too! Love your project <3 I also started doing memory boxes. I think it's because we need something to fill our empty arms, and in helping others, we are serving our babies. Long distance (hugs) to you.

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